On Getting Here...

LORI ROMNEY PHOTOGRAPHY

I have always wanted to be a mother, and I have always wanted to have a large family. But as each year passed in our marriage it just didn't feel like it was the "right time" to start our family. Honestly for the first few years of marriage babies were far from my mind. I knew I wanted to graduate from college before anything like that happened, and I figured I would work for a bit after before starting a family. I had a loose timeline, and I thought we would probably have a baby sometime when Trevor was in law school. But law school came, and it still just never felt right. It wasn't until the end of last year that something clicked. Not just for me, but for Trevor also. All of a sudden being parents didn't just sound right, it felt right. It was the feeling I had been waiting for. The types of feelings I have guided my life decisions on.

But of course things didn't go smoothly after that, of course not. What ever does? While Trevor had a job lined up for after graduation, his benefits wouldn't kick in until he was an actual attorney, and that wouldn't happen until his bar results would come in, which wasn't going to happen until much later that year. We also knew we would be moving and that I would be looking for a new job, so we couldn't very well get pregnant just to have my benefits cut off in the middle of my pregnancy. So we waited. When I started a new job my benefits weren't going to kick in until I had been working for at least three months. We also found out that I couldn't be pregnant and not covered if I wanted to go on Trevor's insurance, apparently it would be considered a pre-condition, even though he would have been working at the firm for almost eight months. The only time that counted in regards to insurance was after he became an actual attorney, which wasn't going to happen until October. So we had to wait, again. Waiting when you know you want a baby is pure torture by the way, just in case you were wondering. And of course I couldn't help but have the thought in the back of my mind that two of my siblings have had some serious issues with conceiving. What if that was me? I couldn't even be trying during this time, I just had to keep waiting! I wont lie, I was feeling really angry that we had done everything we were "supposed" to do, the "right" way, and I was being what I felt was punished for it. Trevor and I have been nothing but incredibly responsible when it comes to school and finances, but what could I do? So we waited the long eight months.

In September I experienced a chemical pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy is simply a "miscarriage" that occurs very early on in a woman’s pregnancy. Basically as soon as you find out you are pregnant, you're not. I was disheartened, but I also knew that these were pretty common, and that we had literally just started trying. There was no reason why we couldn't keep moving forward. On Halloween day my period was two weeks late, so naturally I took a pregnancy test. I was so excited because I was convinced I must be pregnant. Even though I didn't feel like I had in September, I was so hopeful. I have always been extremely regular with my period, so not getting it for two weeks was pretty much a give in sign for me. I even went out the day before to buy three pumpkins to write Dad, Mom, and Baby on them to surprise Trevor with. But when I took the test it was negative, and it continued to be. My period never came. Unfortunately the chemical pregnancy had caused my body to go completely out of whack and I hadn't even ovulated in October. I had never experienced anything like this and I was scared and upset that the second I started trying my regular text book body decided to stop functioning properly.

Later that week Trevor found the pumpkins I had made. He picked them up and saw the written words on them, looked at me and said, "This is the cutest, saddest thing, I have ever seen." I confessed how I had made them as a surprise for Halloween Day, but then the test had been negative so I decided not to even tell him about the pumpkins. We had a moment that could best be described as bitter sweet, and from then on Trevor kept our "baby" pumpkin on the table. "This will be our baby for now," his sweet attempt to comfort me. Every time he referred to our baby pumpkin I couldn't help but smile. Trevor is a very practical person, so when he shows that sweet tender hearted side, my heart just bursts, because I know he cares about me so much. Our pumpkin baby was a fun distraction for awhile, just sitting on the table and hanging out with us :) haha

I proceeded to not get my period. And after spending weeks of feeling anxious, I realized I was causing myself a lot of stress over something I had no control over. I knew that stressing out was doing me no favors, so I took a deep breath and said a little prayer to help me just let it all go (frozen reference not implied.) I shared in this post about 2014 being a rough year. This whole experience was a just a small element of my year, but one of the biggest reasons I learned to just let life happen. Honestly, it felt like the second I decided to let go and let God's plan take it's course, everything fell into place. It might have been coincidence, or it might have been a lesson I needed to learn. It doesn't really matter because I learned to accept what God wants for me in this life. To shed the idea of what I think should happen, and let things happen. Not just let them happen, but be okay with what happens. As I said in that post, "Come What May, and Love It" - Joseph B. Wirthlin.

On New Years Eve 2013 my mom gave each of us a piece of paper to write down some of our New Years Resolutions, one of mine was to make a baby! Well 2014 rocked my world, but it looks like I barley made that resolution happen ;) I realize how fortunate I am, and I am feeling very blessed right now. But I will never forget what I learned along the way. Take a deep breath and know that everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to. Things might not happen the way you want them to, or how you thought it would or should. We only have so much control, so you just need to enjoy YOUR unique and specific life journey, whatever it may be, and know that even in your lows, you can be happy and enjoy life, XO.