I have always wanted to be a mother, and I have always wanted to have a large family. But as each year passed in our marriage it just didn't feel like it was the "right time" to start our family. Honestly for the first few years of marriage babies were far from my mind. I knew I wanted to graduate from college before anything like that happened, and I figured I would work for a bit after before starting a family. I had a loose timeline, and I thought we would probably have a baby sometime when Trevor was in law school. But law school came, and it still just never felt right. It wasn't until the end of last year that something clicked. Not just for me, but for Trevor also. All of a sudden being parents didn't just sound right, it felt right. It was the feeling I had been waiting for. The types of feelings I have guided my life decisions on.
But of course things didn't go smoothly after that, of course not. What ever does? While Trevor had a job lined up for after graduation, his benefits wouldn't kick in until he was an actual attorney, and that wouldn't happen until his bar results would come in, which wasn't going to happen until much later that year. We also knew we would be moving and that I would be looking for a new job, so we couldn't very well get pregnant just to have my benefits cut off in the middle of my pregnancy. So we waited. When I started a new job my benefits weren't going to kick in until I had been working for at least three months. We also found out that I couldn't be pregnant and not covered if I wanted to go on Trevor's insurance, apparently it would be considered a pre-condition, even though he would have been working at the firm for almost eight months. The only time that counted in regards to insurance was after he became an actual attorney, which wasn't going to happen until October. So we had to wait, again. Waiting when you know you want a baby is pure torture by the way, just in case you were wondering. And of course I couldn't help but have the thought in the back of my mind that two of my siblings have had some serious issues with conceiving. What if that was me? I couldn't even be trying during this time, I just had to keep waiting! I wont lie, I was feeling really angry that we had done everything we were "supposed" to do, the "right" way, and I was being what I felt was punished for it. Trevor and I have been nothing but incredibly responsible when it comes to school and finances, but what could I do? So we waited the long eight months.
In September I experienced a chemical pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy is simply a "miscarriage" that occurs very early on in a woman’s pregnancy. Basically as soon as you find out you are pregnant, you're not. I was disheartened, but I also knew that these were pretty common, and that we had literally just started trying. There was no reason why we couldn't keep moving forward. On Halloween day my period was two weeks late, so naturally I took a pregnancy test. I was so excited because I was convinced I must be pregnant. Even though I didn't feel like I had in September, I was so hopeful. I have always been extremely regular with my period, so not getting it for two weeks was pretty much a give in sign for me. I even went out the day before to buy three pumpkins to write Dad, Mom, and Baby on them to surprise Trevor with. But when I took the test it was negative, and it continued to be. My period never came. Unfortunately the chemical pregnancy had caused my body to go completely out of whack and I hadn't even ovulated in October. I had never experienced anything like this and I was scared and upset that the second I started trying my regular text book body decided to stop functioning properly.
On New Years Eve 2013 my mom gave each of us a piece of paper to write down some of our New Years Resolutions, one of mine was to make a baby! Well 2014 rocked my world, but it looks like I barley made that resolution happen ;) I realize how fortunate I am, and I am feeling very blessed right now. But I will never forget what I learned along the way. Take a deep breath and know that everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to. Things might not happen the way you want them to, or how you thought it would or should. We only have so much control, so you just need to enjoy YOUR unique and specific life journey, whatever it may be, and know that even in your lows, you can be happy and enjoy life, XO.