a novel about my feelings right now...

I am always hesitant to get too personal on this blog, but then I remember that I like to come to this space to share, and express in all areas of my life.

Close to a year ago something happened with someone who I thought was becoming a friend that really affected me. I have actually been very surprised at how much it has affected me, and I guess this is a way for me to process it. The fact that it still bothers me, bothers me.

Growing up I always had a ton of friends. To be honest, I really didn't experience much girl drama growing up. How did I get so lucky? Well, I think I make good choices in friends for one, and maybe the other part was just luck? For awhile I just didn't believe that people really acted the way they did on television. No way were people really that mean? That rude? 

Then I watched as people bullied and teased my younger sister growing up, and I realized that I had experienced a different kind of middle and high school then what unfortunately some people have to experience.

I didn't go completely unscathed, but in comparison to what I have heard other people had to deal with, growing up for me was a total cinch. School was an amazing experience for me, my friends, all of it was really nothing short of magical. With that said I am sure there were people who didn't like me, but no one felt the need to tell me that or address that with me.

 

You see, I have always been under the impression if you meet someone and you two just don't "gel" you go your separate ways amicably, right? No need to say anything, you just "met that one time."

Well I got through middle school, high school, and even college with relatively no girl drama or issues whatsoever - hallelujah! - so when I graduated from college I naively thought that I had somehow escaped the wrath of mean girls. Boy was I wrong. I guess the saying is true, "You never truly leave high school."

Almost a year ago now I had something happen to me that deeply affected me and hurt my feelings. Why it STILL bothers me I don't know, and I wish that I could completely let it go, but I am working on it. I have never had to deal with anything like this and to some of you it may sound totally stupid, but for me, it was the first time anything like this had happened to me before.

I was relatively new to Provo and was looking to make some new friends in the area. I decided to hit up twitter and see if anyone who lived in the area was interested in meeting up with me at a Zumba class! I had always wanted to try a Zumba class and didn't want to go through the embarrassment of doing it by myself. A girl I had recently met at a blogger meet up said she wanted to meet me there, and thus the date was planned. I was really excited because I had remembered meeting her and really liking her. She said she was going to bring along her friend, which hey, the more the merrier right? I was looking forward to it! I was excited to meet people in a brand new place. I had been spending a lot of nights alone while Trevor was experiencing his first year of law school. And to put it bluntly, I was pretty lonely.

I am always nervous when I meet new people, and despite the confidence I might portray, it takes me awhile sometimes to warm up to people and be myself completely. We started to meet up for the occasional Zumba class, but I felt like we couldn't really get to know each other in a class where we are dancing the whole time and couldn't really talk. So I thought it would be nice to invite them over after one of our morning work outs for a little breakfast!

I whipped up some waffle mix (from a box - this part matters apparently in the story) because I didn't want to wake up even earlier to make them from scratch and I wanted to be ready to start making the waffles right when we got back from the class. After the class we all headed over to my place and as they sat down I started cooking the waffles. I tend to talk a lot when I am nervous, and I was indeed nervous! I just wanted these girls to have a good time. Somehow we got on the topic of how we had met our husbands and we each shared our stories. That was about as far as we went conversationally because they needed to leave. I remember thinking that they hadn't stayed that long, which was fine, it was a Saturday and people have things to do. But the whole thing just felt very short and abrupt.

From then on I felt them distance themselves from me. They weren't responding to my texts or wanting to meet up for class anymore. I would see them at the gym and go up to them to say hi (desperate much?! ha.) I didn't think too much of it, just that they obviously weren't looking for a new friend or anything, so I kind of just let it go.

Then probably a month or so later the horrible incident of the 2012 Aurora Batman Shooting happened. I was in shock with the rest of the country, but to add to that shock, was the fact that I knew the shooter. He grew up on my street, his parents still live there. I went to High School with him. All of it was just really sad. I was sad for all the victims, and for this young man's family. 

I went to social media, like we all did, and shared my condolences to the families who lost loved ones, and to the family of the shooter, to my hometown as well as Colorado. I had also said something about being in shock about knowing the shooter.

To my surprise my "friend" who I hadn't talked to in probably a month or longer, the one I used to go to the gym with, responded to that tweet by saying, "We should not think of ourselves in this time of tragedy, but instead think of those who were affected.”

 

I was pretty taken aback. Thoughts started running through my mind such as "Um, am I taking this wrong or did she just try to call me out? That isn't what I meant at all?! What did she mean by that?"

At first I wasn't going to say something. Maybe I took what she said wrong, but it just kept nagging at me. I am not one to keep quiet, especially if something is bothering me. (Hence this blog post, ha) The whole thing just didn't seem like something a friend would say, and to do it it publicly like that on Twitter just didn't settle right with me. So I sent her a message.

I explained to her how I didn't understand why she wrote that, and felt like she was trying to call me out. I apologized if I came off in a way that was bringing attention to myself, and that it was an innocent tweet. I also expressed how I felt like if she had been really upset by what I had said, as a friend that I know in real life, responding like that online seemed inappropriate and that I would have appreciated her just talking to me about it. Negative feedback online is normal, but from someone I know in my real life, I expect real interactions and conversations. Is that expecting too much?

Well, I couldn't have predicted what came next. She wrote me back basically telling me that she responded to me publicly because she felt I was acting in my own interests, that I talk about myself too much, and continued to go on to say how I twist situations to be all about me. The way she wrote it, you could tell this wasn't someone who wanted to remain friends with me. This wasn't coming from a place of love.

WOW. Totally floored. Totally shocked. This is someone who I had thought was becoming at least somewhat of a friend (although she had been distant for some time) and I was totally blindsided. There was nothing kind about the way she wrote the message at all. It was evident she didn't like me, let alone wanted to be my friend. It was as if she had been waiting for the right moment to tell me how she actually felt about me, and this was her opportunity, and boy did she pounce on it.

In one way, I respected her honesty, in another, her delivery was incredibly rude and inappropriate. Like I said before, isn't the more normal response to just move on from someone you don't want to be friends with? I mean we had really only just met, there was no need for such a production. It just didn't make sense that if she didn't like me that she would still be following and reading my twitter let alone responding to them in a condescending manner? I didn't really understand her behavior at all.

I responded to her message letting her know these feelings, and that I also felt like we had hardly spent anytime together for her to 1. Really know who I was as a person, and 2. To have the privilege of talking to me like that.

I can take criticism, but it usually only resonates with me from close friends and family who I know have the best intentions in helping me become a better person, not some girl who I went to a few Zumba classes with and had one breakfast with. Yet even with how insignificant this person was in my life, her words hurt. I started wondering if this is what everyone thought of me? Is this how I come across? 

I wish that is where the story ended. If I thought my feelings were hurt then, nothing has hurt my feelings more then the day I saw on twitter that her and her friend had said, "Lol @ ultra sensitive bloggers. And PS your waffles sucked. #GoodRiddance."

I read it, and I instantly broke down in tears.

These were two girls I had just tried to get to know. I had been feeling lonely so I reached out and I invited them into my home. I was nothing but nice to them. Sure, maybe I talked too much, I tend to do that, especially when I am nervous. But instead of giving me another chance, or just moving on once they decided I wasn't a good "fit" for them, they decided to publicly be rude to me. It felt like someone had spit in my face.

Trevor, bless his heart, is such a guy and didn't really know what to say. He went to hug me and then asked, "Well, did you make the good waffles or the bad waffles?" BAH! In retrospect I love how hilarious my husband is. I made the waffles from a dang box! I didn't have time before the gym to make the good ones I responded. I basically started laughing through my crying all at the same time. Love that husband of mine.

But what was I doing? I am a grown woman and I let the words of two girls I hardly know make me cry?! I couldn't believe that I had made such an effort to befriend someone, and when they decided they didn't like me instead of just walking away and letting it go like normal people, they resorted to talking about me (publicly) on twitter.

Now this all may sound very petty, at the end of the day, it really is. Maybe I am ultra sensitive! But even if I am, does that make that kind of behavior okay? All in all, why do I care if two random people in this world like me or not? Like I said, I am sure there are others who don't like me either, but they are just more mature about it.

At the end of the day everyone still wants to be liked. I have good intentions. But what I think bothers me the most about the situation is that I was genuinely trying to be nice and make friends, invited these girls into my home, and instead I got told all the things I need to work on. All the flaws in my personality. I felt very misunderstood, and judged by someone I hardly even knew.

So why am I even sharing this story?

Because the real problem that has developed is that ever since this happened, I have been extremely paranoid when I meet new people. Am I talking too much? Do they think I am annoying? I instantly have thoughts that people are not going to like me now. I have been second guessing everything. 

I don't know why I have become so incredibly insecure about it all, because I do have amazing friends - although most of them live far away :( Maybe it is because nothing like this has ever happened to me before? Late bloomer in experiencing mean girl behavior? I feel like a sixteen year old right now.

But with that insecurity, I also gained something from the experience that I will always take with me. I will be incredibly careful of what I say to people, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings like mine were that day. What is the point in that? Telling someone that you don't like them has never done anything for anybody. It is just mean. 

I will also give more people the benefit of the doubt, and be more charitable in my feelings towards them. And I have made a more conscious effort to work on the flaws I know I do have. I have always been aware of them, but there is nothing like having someone so blatantly, and with such degradation tell you your flaws.  

And even though I don't think I could or would ever treat a friend the way I was treated in that situation, if I ever have a problem with a friend (or ANYONE for that matter), I will make sure to approach it in a much more loving, caring and sympathetic way. I would want them to feel that it was coming from a place of love. Because friend or not, that is how a kind person would approach something.

With everything I have learned, I still can't seem to shake this new insecurity of meeting new people. How do you let go of something that so deeply hurt you that it has affected the way you act? I have realized there is a step past forgiveness, a step where you can't let it affect you negatively anymore, and I am just not sure how to get there?