crowley party

crowley party

what is your intention?

Posted on: 11.12.2012

One of my favorite bloggers to read is Raven from Don't Quote the Raven, she is opinionated and outspoken in all the ways that make you smirk, and I love it. I have been reading her for a long time now and have always loved how she just says it how it is - yet when you scrape away the sarcasm she is always still being a nice girl. There is a fine balance when it comes to opinions, critiques, and sarcasm - which can leave some women just looking like "mean girls" if they don't do it right.

This summer Raven wrote this blog post which mostly discussed how some people act when it comes to blogging, but it made me think about how women act toward each other in general, and what a problem we have among us. As women, shouldn't we be uplifting each other? Bringing each other up? Being kind?

Too often I feel that women just want to judge, critique, and talk about each other. I am by no means perfect in regards to this, we have all done this before. But this is something that has been on my mind the last few months, and I have really been reflecting on how I think about people, how I talk about them, and what my intentions are with the people I interact with. I mean, why is it so easy to judge or gossip about someone? Why do we do this to each other? All too often people mask their hateful words behind "their opinion" as if that somehow makes what they are saying appropriate or justified. Or when you think you are being "sassy" are you really just being rude?



While people have been talking crap about each other since the beginning of time, I feel the internet has made people feel like they can get away with saying whatever they want. They wouldn't say it directly to your face, but they have no problem saying it online, and hey, if they don't actually put who they are talking about, they aren't really being mean, right?

I once saw someone on twitter post, "If that diamond on your finger isn't a perfect D in color, you should re-evaluate. And not post pictures of it on facebook for me to judge."

Um ouch. I read this and thought, I hope the girl whose ring that is doesn't see this! I mean, usually the people on your facebook are your friends (or maybe they were just facebook stalking). So the fact that this person was talking about their "friend's" (or anyone's for that matter) ring just blows my mind. I mean, how sad.

Maybe this girl and her fiance couldn't afford the "best" ring, but she is still so happy, excited, and proud to be engaged and she wants to share it with everyone! And as her friend (or a decent person), shouldn't you just be excited for her? And why would someone care so much about something like this, enough to take the time to put it on twitter? If you didn't like her ring, just keep it to yourself, you don't need to go to the effort to say "how dare she be excited about getting engaged and put a picture of her "ugly" ring online." I mean, how much ruder can you get?

With all these thoughts running through my head about this person's comment, I had to stop and honestly admit to myself that I have had just as rude of thoughts about people. In fact I was having a rude thought about the person who had just posted that on twitter, what made me any better? I wasn't.

So what is our problem ladies? Why do we feel like we can say whatever thought we have about someone or something and then go a step further and put it online? Sure we all judge, we all have thoughts and opinions and we are entitled to those - HOWEVER it doesn't mean you have to share it, especially if it crosses the line into "mean girl" status.

I get it, finding that right balance of sharing your opinions and thoughts can be a toughie, but I think we should ask ourselves, "Am I saying this to be mean, or am I saying this to give input?" And what kind of input are we giving? Is it to help, make someone feel bad, or are we being rude? Granted some people are just sensitive to everything, and you can't control that, but we can control our intentions. What are our intentions? 

We don't all have to agree, we don't all have to get along and be best friends, but shouldn't we all be at least trying our best to be kind to one another? Don't people for the most part deserve that basic respect? And if at the end of the day you just don't like someone, then just don't have anything to do with them. There is no need to post mean things about them online, or tweet nasty remarks in attempts to make yourself feel better  - just smile and move on people.

And if we want to take the extra step, we can even try working on the thoughts we don't say out loud - because shouldn't we be accountable for those as well? This is my new goal, to constantly ask myself what my intentions are for saying something, and why I am thinking it. Here is to becoming better, I hope you will join me.

I would just like to end with this beautiful quote that says it a million times better then I ever could.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed...

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

 I love this quote, and am happy I found a cool graphic of it on Pinterest!


76 little notes:

  1. You are so right! I definitely struggle with judging people and not knowing when to keep my mouth closed. I've definitely been more conscious of this though over the last few months. Girls can be so mean, myself included, we sure don't need any help from anyone else! Thanks for the reminder. I needed it :)

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    1. It is crazy how often you will catch yourself being negative or being judgmental about someone when you are paying attention to it, it has really opened my eyes the last couple months!

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  2. I love this post! I know I am guilty of all of the above, but thankfully my husband makes me a better person. I totally agree the internet brings out the worst in people. But, does anyone else ever have those moments where you have the friend who posts every Monday/Friday "I HATE MONDAYS. I'ts not the weekend when you are a Mom....blah blah." THOSE are hard for me not to comment on! OKay, rant done but thank you for the uplifting quote!

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    1. Yeah, people love to take to the internet to complain haha I totally think the same thing about my husband, he makes me such a better person! Happy you have someone like that in your life :)

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  3. I appreciated this so much, thank you!

    What has been surprising for me is how often blogging meanness can translate to being mean in person. I had some girls say some really mean things to me at the last meet-up I went to at the Chocolate and it totally made me feel like I was in middle school.

    I have no idea why women are mean to each other, but I think it usually has to do with our inability to relate to other people/insecurities.

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    1. Oh man that meet up was crazy packed! That is unfortunate you experienced that, I have been shocked before what I hear people say in real life, esp. regarding blogging etc. It can give some people real egos this online reality! haha

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  4. Great post. Kindness wins always :) Something super important for me to remember online and offline!

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  5. Bravo! This post is brilliant and a good reminder for me. It takes twice as much effort to be mean, so why not save the energy and just be kind :)? Thanks for posting your thoughts.

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  6. Great post!! Thanks so much for this excellent and eternal reminder. I was just talking to my younger boy about service this afternoon. It's so great to see things your children learn from you and sunday teachers come full circle in your life.

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    1. Love this. I have had this post sitting in my draft for a couple weeks now, and it was actually my relief society lesson all about kindness that made finally publish it! I love when a lesson, a leader or teacher can do that for us.

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  7. I love this post! I often find that some of my friends are sometimes judgmental, and even to my face. It's sad because all I want is a support system. Greatly insightful post.

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    1. I know what you mean, when people say stuff and they add the "just joking" - um, yeah.... haha

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  8. I love this post! Definitely something everyone (especially bloggers lately) needs to remember. Great points. :)

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  9. You rock! This is such an uplifting post :)

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  10. yes, yes, yes!! I agree with all of this...I actually wrote a post today on why I don't wear make up (http://www.thesecretlifeofsamara.com/2012/11/why-i-choose-not-to-wear-make-up.html) and the thing is, I have no issue with the stuff, I love putting it on when I feel like being a bit creative however for the day to day stuff, I do not bother. My big issue though is that it is other women who make me feel like I should. Other women who make comments about how tired I look or my red nose. We are our own worst enemy and I think this extends into the blogging community... I am constantly having to consider my intentions as, to be honest, sometimes they are not always pure and I need to give myself a big fat metaphorical slap on the face to shock myself out of it.

    Samara
    www.thesecretlifeofsamara.com
    xo

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    1. Samara, no joke I usually don't wear make up during the week - I just don't see the need! I actually LOVE make up, I just don't feel like it is something I "have" to wear every single day. I save it for my fun nights out etc!

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  11. I definitely need to catch myself on this sometimes. Some people are just over the top though...like:

    I once saw someone on twitter post, "If that diamond on your finger isn't a perfect D in color, you should re-evaluate. And not post pictures of it on facebook for me to judge."

    That is EXACTLY what this girl that used to Facebook friends with me would say...she always spoke down to people and was so nasty and up herself it was ridiculous. Finally I gave her a piece of my mind and deleted her..it was a weight off my shoulders LOL.

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    1. Right?! Everyone struggles with this kind of stuff sometimes, but it can be even harder to watch someone else take it so far its just nasty! Happy you did say something to that girl, sometimes there is a right time to stand up to a bully.

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  12. Ok now that I can comment from my computer let me see if I can remember what I wrote from my SUPER LONG COMMENT that got deleted on my phone. SO MAD.

    LOVE this post. The way you wrote it and worded it, everything is so true. I've definitely had my fair share of criticism and negativity on the internet and at first, I wanted to get pissed and defensive but the more I thought about it, I think if I ever ran into one of those people who were so nasty to me, I would just give them a big hug, because Lord knows they need it. Dr Phil once said "what is it about that person that you hate about yourself," and that has stuck with me forever (see? Dr Phil can have something smart to say at times ;) ) and I think, that person must be miserable in their own life, to deliberately go after someone they don't even know and trash them, so it puts a whole new spin on things and makes me pity them and feel sorry for them, because while they are trashing me, I am out living my life having a freaking blast.

    I know that isn't the only thing this post was about, as it also is so true to be a positive uplifting person, and to think about my INTENTIONS before I spew hatred, like Dr. Phil said.... ;)

    Again, love this post, love you and thank you so much for the nice words you said about me! I definitely am going to have to shout this out on my blog because everyone needs to read this!!

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    1. haha you are the best, and that quote from Dr. Phil sums up my entire post pretty much - of course he would say it better then me ;) haha love it. Like I said in my post, I think you balance the line of sarcasm perfectly and I love your attitude when it comes to people being nasty on the internet. "people either love me or they love me" haha - never change!

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  13. Good reminder for everyone, Alycia.

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  14. This is a really great blog post. I think that judging is a problem that a lot of women, and really people in general, have and its great that you're bringing attention to it. My Blog

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  15. Haha, cute post! I too have posts that have been in drafts for quite some time!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes 

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  16. This is perfect.

    I'm so guilty, and I feel like it's something that I really need to work on.

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  17. This is 100% truth! I've been reflecting a lot lately on being conscious of the things I say about others at work, not so much on the internet but the exact same concept applies. We've ALL been hurt by angry words, we've all been the butt of a joke, and we've all been on the receiving end of a rumor or crap-talk-session. We know how bad it makes us feel when we learn that a person who acts nice really talks badly about us, yet we continue to do the same thing just to keep the peace.

    Gotsta keep it real! :) AMAZING post. So happy to have re-found your blog. I used to follow and then created a new blog and ....blah, blah, blah. Here I am. Happy to re-follow the Crowley Party!

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    1. I know what you mean about work! Sometimes you can get a little too comfortable with your co-workers and cross that professional line. You never know what you will say that could come back to bite you in the butt. Happy you found me again &happy to find you! :)

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  18. This is a great post! I didn't encounter any mean or passive aggressive commenting until I became a mom. It's amazing how many people think their way of parenting is perfect and if they see you doing something different, they feel the need to "correct you." I don't want to be like that and although I do get bothered by things people say online sometimes, I have also been trying so hard to make sure that whatever I say is kind and helpful. I'm not perfect, but just by thinking that way I have definitely stopped myself from saying things I shouldn't.

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    1. I don't have any kids yet, but I have seen how opinionated and judgmental women can get when it comes to parenting! It is crazy! At the end of the day, everyone is just doing their best, right?

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  19. I have been having the same thoughts! Lately I have been the victim of some mean comments about my spelling and grammer. I'm very bad at both and know this. It's the biggest reason why I held off starting a blog for a very long time. It hurt so bad reading these comments, I almost deleted my blog! I also felt mad and wanted to be mean back but stopped myself because I didn't want to do what they did to me. I'm glad your wrote about this today! Thanks!

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    1. Well I am happy you didn't delete your blog! The whole spelling and grammar thing online makes me so mad. I don't treat my blog posts like I do an essay I am turning in at school. Plus people don't know what others struggle with, my sister has a learning disability that greatly challenges her abilities to spell, people need to be careful what they say to people, they don't know everyone's story.

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  20. I haven't had issues blogging [yet] and am very grateful I've made it this far without any hatred. However reading Miss Raven's post made complete sense because I still follow and comment on blogs I've been a fan of for years without a single bit of love back since I started my own blog. Honestly, a lot of blogs who have large follows aren't even that interesting. I don't get it, to tell you the truth. Followers count because they make me feel loved, but I'd rather have 3 loyal commenter than 30k lurkers.

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    1. I totally feel you, I love the interaction and relationships I build through blogging the most!

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  21. I really liked your post, and I totally agree. Its all too easy to judge people and put up a wall of negativity- because it essentially makes us feel better about ourselves, right? Its much harder to realize this, turn it off, and make a conscious effort to think and speak positively to and about people. Like the old saying- if you dont have something nice to say, you shouldnt say anything at all.
    Kendrrat
    kendrrat.blogspot.com

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  22. Thank you thank you thank you. This is something I have really been thinking about too and you said it all more beautifully than I ever could have dreamed of.

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  23. His just makes me think of uctdorf's talk about not judging others. It seems so second nature for us to think badly about others or be so quick to critique. The Internet and blogging and Instagram has made this all to easy. Even if we don't post the things we are thinking online, it's still not okay! Why are we so quick to hope for others to fail? And be envious of others successes? Shouldn't we be happy for those that are happy? Not judging others for what isn't up to us to judge? I feel ya on this topic. I think more now more than ever. As I have decided to start my own little venture I have felt so blessed with support from friends And family. Enough to bring me to tears more often than not. Some aren't as supportive, and that's okay. I just like that quote, those that matter won't mind an those who mind don't matter. I agree, we should be lifting each other up, helping each other, complimenting one another. Negativity doesn't help anyone and I think more often than not jealousy is this culprit. It's a terrible thing! Let's all just love each other and be friends. That's my shpeal. He end!

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    1. I LOVED Uctdorf's talk! "STOP IT" So good! It really is sad how easily it comes to us, wanting us to be the only ones who are successful? Jealousy at the end of the day is usually the root of all these kinds of issues. Loved how candid you were in this comment :)

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  24. Oh this is awesome. I love you and I love Raven. Both of your girls. So genuine. just wrote a post on a slightly similar topic because I felt someone attacked me for using the word "best" and then I totally (silently) attacked other girls who using the same word in a more disgusting manner. I try my best not to gossip and not be hateful or rude. I'm happy with my life and what I have in in so its not too hard to do. But I'm human. And a girl. And sometimes I slip up. Anyhow.. well put, friend.

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    1. we are all human, so we are never going to be perfect at this - but it is good to know its a problem that we can be trying to manage at least right?! haha

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  25. so true with everything said here!! I've been in a negative mindset of bloggers lately - i see things others have that I don't, I get jealous, then I find a reason to not like them. SUCH A BAD HABIT!!!!!!!!! I want to be more Christlike,and that is NOT helping. Thanks for a refreshing post!

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  26. Hey girl! Nice to meet you briefly the other night! And this is such a great post!
    -Jessi
    haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com

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  27. Hey! I just found your blog through Mish Lovin' Life :)

    This post is just amazing and so spot on. Females can be so so bitchy and judgemental. I was also thinking myself that I have probably done something damn right bitchy online in the past, and I know I have definitely though judgemental things. It's just in female nature I think! But that doesn't make it right at all.

    This may be quite hypocritical, I don't mean to slag this certain blogger off! But I follow one blogger and she was slagging another one off on Twitter a few months back for doing something on her blog that she didn't agree with. I thought it was so wrong and bitchy. If she didn't like the blog post this other blogger did, then she can easily unfollow the girl or just leave it and not slag her off on Twitter. It made me really angry because you can write what you like on your blog and you shouldn't be slagged off or judged for what you write.

    Although I think males can be just as bad! I have a male friend at university and I was trying to explain to him who someone was, and he just suddenly went "oooh the fat one?", I was so disgusted! I completely let him know how I felt as well. The worst thing is, the girl is nowhere near 'fat', she is about a UK size 12. It really annoyed me and showed me a different side to him. He could have easily said, "oh the girl with the black hair?", or "the girl with the nose ring?", why should she be judged as fat?

    Again, great post!!

    Jazz :)

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    1. Yes I think men are not immune to this either! I think we see these issues even MORE so online because people feel they can say whatever they want when they are protected behind their computer. If you don't like something or someone, don't associate with them!

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  28. I could go on and on but I won't. Just know that I've been lurking on your blog for a few months now and this post is a perfect representation of WHY I love you from a far! So positive, uplifting, and honest. Thank you for putting yourself out there every day and for reminding all of us to be a little bit nicer.

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    1. That was one of the sweetest comments ever! Thank you :) &we all need the reminder!

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    2. My blog post for tomorrow is a link up of some of my favorite things I've read on the internet lately. Hope you don't mind if I include this!

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    3. Of course I don't mind! Share the message :)

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    4. Thanks - and enjoy!

      http://awomanhercatsandsomebooks.blogspot.com/2012/11/what-im-reading-wednesday.html

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  29. Wow! As someone who couldn't even afford a diamond ring, that twitter comment makes me angry! But I do agree--it's a trap we all fall into from time to time. Thanks for writing this. I think we all need to hear it!

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  30. you're completely correct. gossiping, judging, speaking ill of other people-it's been around for ages. i mean you can read about it in the scriptures for crying out loud. i'm pretty sure "murmuring against their father" means they probably had some crap to say. however, as old as it is, i think technology has exacerbated the problem by making us privy to so much of other people's lives. it used to be that people were judged for what they wore when you saw them-now you can judge their clothes via 789 photographs. it used to be that people were judged by their intelligence-now we can see every spelling/grammar error via a constantly updated facebook/twitter feed. we used to just judge what we saw/heard people do personally. but now we can read about it on people's blogs or watch it on video blogs or youtube videos. i'm sure you get the point.

    it's hard to master your thoughts. it's hard to not say mean/rude/judgemental things sometimes. i'll admit it. i'm human. and it happens to me. but when we become so consumed with technology, when technology is all we ever see and when our only contact with 90% of the people in our lives is via that technology that consumes us--it becomes very hard. because most of our time is spent in situations that will lead us to judge and criticize. that girl with the tweet about the ring most likely NEVER would have seen her "friends" engagement ring in real life and would not have been given the option to broadcast her negative and judgemental feelings if not for facebook and twitter.

    so now that i have written you a book, i will conclude: i think we have the capability to be nicer, i think niceness and charity are in us but when we make ourselves to surrounded by opportunity to judge and be mean (and to do it at a distance and to do it anonymously, mind you!) we become more capable and more comfortable doing it. those are my thoughts. thanks for this post. :)

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    1. This is so spot on. We become WAY more comfortable saying inappropriate things we would never say in person because of how much time we spend online and the ability to do things we would normally never do in real life. I think this is why online bullying is such an issue for young people. Somehow technology makes people feel invincible, and I fear that as we get more comfortable doing this, it will leak into real life situations as well... and we don't need that!

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  31. Wow. What an awesome post. So spot on. This is also why I probably hang out with my dog all day rather than girls, because I know he's not secretly judging me... Or is he?

    :) Good post, love when I come across "deep ones" like this in blog land.

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  32. What a great post, I will definitely try to be more aware of what my intentions are as well. :)

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  33. Such a great post, and perfect since I'm teaching in RS this Sunday on kindness.. It's definitely easy to hide behind the internet & social media to judge and not feel as accountable for it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & for the reminder to us all to do better.

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    1. I have had this post sitting in my drafts for a month or now, and we actually had our RS lesson on kindness on Sunday and I was just in the spirits of it all and decided it was a good time to post it! Good luck teaching your lesson!!

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  34. I think this is such a great post and very well said. Thanks for sharing.

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  35. you are so right! it's so easy to talk and judge and hurt people's feelings without even noticing... our words have more power than we think

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  36. I love the charity quote and this post is amazing. Sometimes I don't think people think about someone else's feelings.

    New follower!

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  37. Love love love this post. Lately, I've been thinking about how I treat other people, and the conclusion I always come up with is - I can do better. Always.

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  38. Thanks for posting this. This has always been something I don't quite understand. How woman can be mean and hurtful. I know I've done it before for whatever I thought was a good reason. It wasn't and I always regret my actions/behavior. I have found it somewhat hard to make friends in the LDS style blog community. So just aren't friendly and I don't understand it. It's sad and then there's my VT at church who I believe doesn't like me and I really can't figure out why. It's be bothering me. I hope to get to the bottom of it soon. Again thanks. We all need to be reminded to uplift the woman around us!

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    1. Oh man that is sad you have been feeling that way. It is amazing to me how some people think it is their job to tell you what is wrong with you, even if it is true or not, it is so out of place. I mean, none of us are perfect, so why is it anyone's role to go around correcting people? Even if you don't like someone, it is common respect to treat everyone kindly.

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  39. Pinterest is a feeding ground for justifying meanness. It drives me crazy! Thank you for this post. Thank you for bringing light to a problem.

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    1. I actually had no idea people were mean on Pinterest ?! Doesn't surprise me though, which is sad!

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  40. "What are our intentions?" I love it!! So simple, but so profound. I need to write that one down. Go, you! (And your always perfect hair...:) )

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    1. I WISH my hair was always perfect haha, but yes, such an easy thing we can try and remember - although sometimes often hard to follow through with. Just keep asking ourselves "What are my intentions?!"

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  41. great post! {found you from Raven} ... this is something that I am really trying to be aware of. I've found that beezies like that "perfect D in color" chick are often very, very unhappy, jealous, empty people. How sick to rob a girl's joy about getting married. :( very nice post, indeed!

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    1. yeah well just like Raven pointed out in her post there is usually a reason for the way we treat people, often times it is or own issues! thanks for stopping by :)

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  42. i am obsessed with that quote. and i really like this post thanks for your thoughts (:

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    1. I know me too! I am pretty sure I am going to print it out and put it in my bedroom so I see it as a daily reminder!

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  43. I LOVE this post. If you don't mind, I'd like to share it on my facebook page. As I've gotten older, I've really tried to start treating people with love. If something I want to say is not loving and helpful, I try not to say it. I still struggle sometimes, but I'm getting better.

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    1. We all struggle with this, but I totally agree you become much more aware of it as you get older. I have been thinking about it a lot lately! PLEASE SHARE IT :)

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  44. Thank you for sharing this. So true. If only all of us could instill this practice prior to speaking.

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